Girdled carnitas

It's not easy to be green, but it's easier than being fat.

In his book Lodo Guillermo Fadanelli says: "Hace mucho tiempo que dejaron de existir las gordas felices" (It's been a long time since there were happy fat girls) and I think --even if I wanted to spit on the book when I read the quote—that he is right. Obviously there are some exceptions, among them a lot of happy Cuban women that cover their generous carnes with lycra, but they are a minority to which I don't belong.

I am not a happy gorda. Let's be honest. I could tell you that I embrace my roundness because it’s cute, or that my big body matches my big heart, but that is not what I say when I see my muffin top in the mirror. Actually what I do say cannot be reproduced in this blog if we want to keep it PG-13.



Don't judge me, flaquitos. Before you do, try to squeeze yourselves into a girdle. A what?! A girdle. A whole-body chastity belt 3 sizes smaller of your regular size. An "Ican'tbreathohgodIcan'tbreath" suit that tries to compress all your fat so you can fit into your prom dress. I am telling you, anguilas, it’s hard. Try to cram a whole puerquito into a condom to make it look like a salchicha...almost the same thing, but more hideous. After you do, if you can talk, try to describe yourself using words such as carefree, gleeful and overjoyed. If you do, and you mean it, I promise to use the can opener sooner to free your michelines before they develop gangrene.

I am not saying that I am not a happy person: I am. But my happiness ends when my kilos affect my life in not very pleasant ways. I am afraid of fitting rooms. I am the sidekick of handsome boys—rather than their amorcito. I am invisible next to hot girls and when I eat desserts in restaurants sometimes I get the "that'sthereason" look.

As almost every rellenita I know, I've been in every single possible weight loss program. Lately, after almost 10 years of failure, it's been working. This has brought a bunch of new experiences into my life and that's what I want to write about. See, I am not a happy gordita, and therefore I am very excitedly trying to change. So, if you can stand my sourness, mi bichines and complaints, permit me to tell you about my cuesta arriba quest; it will be interesting.

And if you stay long enough and I make it, I promise to invite you to burn with me the last pinche girdle that I keep in my drawer as a reminder that I can't and I won't be confined for much longer.